The Friend & Family Guide
How To Love A Grieving Mom

1. Acknowledge the Loss​

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• Say something, even if you don't know what to say: It’s natural to feel uncertain about what to say, but acknowledging the loss is important. It’s easy to want to avoid mentioning the loss because you’re unsure how the person will react. But silence can often feel more isolating. A simple "I’m so sorry for your loss" can mean the world.

• There are no words that can amount to the magnitude of this loss, its ok to acknowledge this. 

• Don’t minimize the loss: Avoid statements like “You can always try again” or “At least you know you can get pregnant.” These well-meaning phrases, though intended to comfort, can feel dismissive of the intense grief that a stillbirth brings and of the pain. Instead, try to acknowledge the depth of their grief by saying, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

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2. Be Present

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• Listen without judgment: Sometimes, a grieving mother simply needs someone who will listen, without offering solutions or advice. Just being there and allowing her to speak her truth can be incredibly healing.

• Offer physical presence: Sometimes, a hug, a hand to hold, or just sitting in silence together is the most powerful form of support you can give. Your presence can be a comfort when words aren’t enough.

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3. Respect Her Grieving Process

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• There’s no “right” way to grieve: Everyone experiences loss differently. Some may want to talk about their baby, while others may prefer to keep their feelings private. Don’t pressure them to open up or move on. Allow them to grieve in their own time and in their own way.

• Grief after a stillbirth can be incredibly complex. Some moms may want to talk about their baby and share memories, while others may prefer to keep their grief private. Don’t push her to talk before she’s ready—let her guide the conversation when she’s ready.

• Check in regularly: Grief doesn’t end after the funeral or after the initial shock wears off. It continues, sometimes in unexpected waves. Let her know that you’re still thinking of her weeks and months after the loss.

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4. Offer Practical Help

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• Help with daily tasks: Grief can make even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming. Offer help with meals, grocery shopping, or taking care of other children or pets.

• Send a care package: Thoughtful gestures like a handwritten card, a comforting blanket, or a memory box can provide emotional support. Consider including items that could help her process her grief, like a journal or something that honors her baby’s memory.

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5. Support Her Decisions Around Memorializing the Baby

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• Ask her how she wants to honor her baby: Every parent who loses a child wants to remember them in a special way. Whether it’s through a memorial service, planting a tree, or creating a scrapbook, support her in whatever decision feels right for her.

• Respect her need for privacy: Some moms might not want to talk about their baby or share their experience publicly. Honor her privacy and avoid pushing for details if she’s not ready to share.

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6. Understand the Impact of Infertility

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• Infertility is not just physical—it’s emotional: For a mom struggling with infertility, the pain can feel endless. It’s not just about the medical procedures—it’s about the loss of dreams and the crushing weight of uncertainty. Be patient, and understand that the emotional rollercoaster may feel like a constant part of her life.

• Offer empathy, not advice: Avoid saying things like “Maybe you should try this treatment” or “Have you thought about adoption?” unless she asks for suggestions. Infertility treatments can be exhausting both physically and emotionally, and advice can sometimes feel overwhelming or unhelpful.

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7. Remember Her Baby

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• Include her baby in conversations: Acknowledge the loss by remembering the baby’s name, or simply mentioning their existence. Many mothers feel their babies are forgotten once the initial mourning period is over. Let her know you still hold space for her baby in your heart.

• Special days can be hard: Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can be particularly painful. A simple “I’m thinking of you today” can offer comfort, showing that you haven’t forgotten and that she’s not alone.

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8. Encourage Long-Term Support

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• Help her find professional support: Suggest therapy, support groups, or online communities for people who have experienced baby loss or infertility. Sometimes the best way to help is to point her toward professionals who are trained in offering the care she needs.

• Continue supporting her after the initial loss: People often rally around a loved one in the immediate aftermath, but the pain doesn’t disappear after the first few months. Keep checking in, even if it’s just to let her know you're thinking of her. Small gestures of support can be deeply appreciated.

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9. Offer Emotional Support

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• Encourage her to seek professional help: Sometimes, grief can become too overwhelming to carry alone. Suggest that she speak with a therapist who specializes in grief or loss. Support groups for parents who have experienced stillbirth can also provide comfort, as they understand the pain in ways that others may not.

• Encourage self-care, but be gentle: Grief doesn’t have a timeline. Don’t pressure her to “move on” or “get over it.” Healing is a long process, and sometimes, she might need permission to rest, to grieve, or to seek help. Respect her need for time and space.

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10. Acknowledge the Depth of Her Loss

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• Understand that stillbirth isn’t just the loss of a pregnancy—it’s the loss of a child: A mother who has experienced stillbirth has lost not just a baby, but a future, dreams, and memories that will never come to be. She may grieve deeply over what could have been, and it’s important to recognize that this grief is real and valid, no matter how long the pregnancy lasted.

• Respect her need for privacy: Some mothers may not want to talk about the details of their stillbirth or may not want visitors right away. Respect her wishes for space while continuing to let her know you’re there for her.

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Supporting a mother through the pain of baby loss or infertility takes love, patience, and a willingness to sit with her in her grief. Remember that you don’t have to have all the answers—what matters most is showing up, offering comfort, and letting her know she is not alone.

No two journeys are the same, but with your support, she can find healing, hope, and the strength to carry on.